


Like I'm Gonna Lose You

by EnchantedbookLover18



Category: NCIS
Genre: 14x16 (mentioned), Angst with a Happy Ending, Ellicksongchallenge, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Nightmares, missingepisodeschallenge, post-17x14 On Fire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:33:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25240954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnchantedbookLover18/pseuds/EnchantedbookLover18
Summary: After the hit-and-run, Ellie and Nick need to process potential traumas and eventually redefine their realtionship.
Relationships: Ellie Bishop & Nick Torres, Ellie Bishop/Nick Torres
Comments: 8
Kudos: 46
Collections: The Missing Episodes





	Like I'm Gonna Lose You

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my late submission for:  
> #ellicksongchallenge Week 6: Song with a duet. -> Like I'm Gonna Lose You by Meghan Trainor feat. John Legend  
> #missingepisodeschallenge Prompt 6: The Truth About Xavier. -> I hope this counts😂🤞
> 
> Have fun!
> 
> P.S. This is not edited and English is not my first language.

**“You are the worst pretend sleeper I’ve ever seen,” Ellie dragged the words out while settling down next to him on the hospital bed.**

**“Bishop, please,” Nick smirked. “You know I’m so badass – I can catch bad guys from a hospital bed.”**

**“Hm. ‘kay, mister badass. How about jumping out of the way of the car next time it comes at you?” The blonde agent said pointedly. “Like I did.”**

**Nick laughed lowly, he was still drained from the pain and his last surgery. “Don’t even.”**

**Ellie chuckled but the worry was still evident on her face.**

**“You know I risked my life to save yours,” the Latino said straightforwardly. This time he was directly looking Ellie in the eyes.**

**Ellie nodded slightly, lips in a thin line as she took his hand in hers, giving it a squeeze. “I know.”**

**There were no other words needed. Nick looked down at their intertwined fingers and up at her again, a soft smile forming on his lips.**

_I found myself dreaming in silver and gold  
Like a scene from a movie that every broken heart knows_ _  
  
_

The moon was shining down on them from above. She could feel the air around her changing, the hotness was replaced by a cool summer breeze. They were walking down the avenue hand in hand. It felt so familiar – his firm, slightly rough hand wrapped around her own. So intimate but strangely natural.  
The shops on the street were already closed, only a few people were still walking down the street – just like them. Their path illuminated by the moon and the stars above, and a few lanterns on the sidewalk. Everything seemed so calm and moonstruck.

Turning her head to Nick, she could see his lips moving, saying something to her. But she couldn’t make the words out. Then, to her full surprise, there was a sound – light-hearted and mellow. A laughter. It was the only sound she could make out. She turned around but couldn’t see anyone laughing – until she realised it was her own laughter. She was laughing at something Nick had said to her.

_We were walking on moonlight, and you pulled me close  
Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone_ _  
  
_

Before she could question any of the strange things happening around her, Nick wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her into a kiss. Without hesitation, Ellie melted into him, pressing as close as she could. This felt like a dream – everything she’d ever wanted.

Unfortunately, he let go of her way too quickly for her liking, taking her hand in his again. They kept walking, taking in their surroundings and exchanging soft, loving smiles in the moonlight.

Out of a sudden, she heard a squeaking sound and the noise of a speeding car coming towards them. Then there was darkness. She couldn’t see, smoke was reaching her lungs and clouding her sight. Pain. Sharp, burning pain coursed through her side – her legs and arms were bruised. She tried to move but her head felt too heavy from the dizziness.

Drawing in a shuddering breath, she tried to take a look around. Her eyelashes were clamped together from what she assumed was blood, dirt and tears. She hadn’t even noticed that she’d started to cry from the fiery pain and shock rushing through her whole body. Focusing hard, she finally found Nick’s body laying only a few feet away from her – his legs were totally contorted. He wasn’t moving or making any sound. “Nick,” she cried out, pleaded, while trying to crawl over to where he was laying. But then sharp pain went through her spine and suddenly, everything went dark.

_I woke up in tears, with you by my side  
A breath of relief, and I realized  
No, we're not promised tomorrow_

Ellie jerked awake. Her heart was pounding hard in her chest, sweat formed on her skin. She looked around the unfamiliar room, at first not realising where she was. Until she got her still heavy breathing a little under control so she recognized Nick, laying on his side, peacefully sleeping behind her. They must’ve fallen asleep on his couch during their weekly movie night. Spooning.

Ellie sighed. Lately, it happened a lot. Bad dreams – slightly altered – about Nick dying, or both of them. But it usually happened while she was sleeping at home alone. Ellie had fallen asleep on Nick’s or Kasie’s couch plenty of times before – but somehow, when she was in company, there weren’t any nightmares. Until today. While she was spooning with Nick Torres, her co-worker and best friend, of all things. Thankfully, Nick only seemed to be stirring a little in his sleep but didn’t wake up.

The blonde agent laid down again – possibly snuggling a little bit closer into Nick’s body in the process. She subconsciously knew that she needed the closeness and the warmth of his body to calm her frayed nerves and make the silent tears stop from rolling down her cheeks.

In his sleep, Nick pulled her closer to his chest again – never once realising what he was doing or waking up.  
Ellie tried her hardest to relax into his touch, convincing herself that _this_ was real. A breath of relief escaped her. Nick was still there with her. Alive. She could hear his slow and steady breathing. It had all been a nightmare. None of it was real.  
It took her quite a long while to calm down again, but eventually Ellie fell asleep again herself.

_So I'm gonna love you, like I'm gonna lose you  
I'm gonna hold you, like I'm saying goodbye  
Wherever we're standing, I won't take you for granted  
'Cause we'll never know when  
When we'll run out of time  
So I'm gonna love you, like I'm gonna lose you (Lose you)  
I'm gonna love you, like I'm gonna lose you  
  
_

“Hey, El, wake up.” Nick whispered calmly in her ear, stroking a few strands of hair out of her face.

“Uh-huh,” she let out a breath of air but made no attempt of actually getting up.

“El, it’s time for breakfast.” The Latino tried again, teasing her with the one thing he knew she loved – food. According to Ellie, breakfast was the most important meal of the day. “You love breakfast.”

“Huh?” She slowly woke up from a too short slumber. She sat up carefully. Her back ached horribly, her eyes felt clumped just like in her dreams and her head ached like a train was running through.

_In the blink of an eye, just a whisper of smoke  
You could lose everything, the truth is you never know_

“You okay?” Nick asked worriedly, a soft hand on her shoulder. He’d gotten up – half-way. Leaving Ellie behind laying on the couch, coldness and loneliness of the missing touch washing over her.

“Yeah. I’m good,” Ellie murmured, knowing from the questioning expression on his face that he didn’t believe her. “So, uh, we fell asleep again? It’s becoming a habit.”

“I guess so,” Nick whispered back, a sheepish smile on his lips. “After my...eh…near-death experience and all, I guess, we, um, can’t stand to be apart. Subconsciously.”

Ellie looked up at him in surprise. She hadn’t expected him to be this _honest_ , to admit what she’d suspected all along.

Something on her face must’ve made him nervous because he quickly added, “or, uh, you know, we’re just too tired after work for movie night” to simply brush it off.

But from the blush creeping up on both of their cheeks and the shy smiles they exchanged, it was as clear as daylight that neither of them believed his excuse.

_So I'll kiss you longer, babe (Hey), any chance that I get  
I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regret_

Half an hour and a much-needed shower later, Ellie exited Nick’s bathroom in her spare clothes that she’d left there a few weeks ago just in case, only to find Nick fiddling around with a sizzling pan and dishes in the kitchen. “Sit. I made pancakes – I hope you’re hungry.”

Ellie chuckled – the first light, almost care-free laughter he’d heard from her in a while. “You really have to ask me that?”

Nick turned around, blinking in amusement and slight astonishment – probably caused by Ellie’s rather short pants, which gave a good view of her long legs, and her dripping wet hair that she tried to dry with a towel. The naturalness and familiarity of this scene in front of him made him catch his breath for a short moment. Ellie looked like she belonged there, in his kitchen, his apartment – his life?

He shook his head slightly, clearing his thoughts and motioned for his partner to sit down while he put the necessary toppings for the pancakes on the table and sat down himself.

They ate in content silence – occasional satisfied hums from Ellie’s side of the table – until Nick finally decided to address the elephant in the room. The one thing that seemed to stand between them ever since the hit-and-run.

_Let's take our time to say what we want (Say what we want)  
Use what we got before it's all gone (Oh no)  
'Cause no (No), we're not promised tomorrow_

“El, I think we should talk,” Nick carefully began. “I can sense that there’s something bothering you. You look tired – constantly – as if you’re not getting enough sleep. Last night, I thought I had a weird dream. I heard you scream my name and cry. But now…You looked so – no offence – disarranged and shaken this morning. Please, Ellie. Don’t tell me everything’s alright – I can see it’s not. And that wasn’t in my dreams, right? Remember what I told you in the hospital bed after we caught Colleen?”

“ _I risked my life to save yours_ ,” Ellie muttered under her breath, repeating his words. She couldn’t look him in the eyes, instead she focused on her own fiddling hands on the table.

“Those weren’t just empty words. I meant it. And that also means that I can’t let it slip. I care about you – a lot more than you know.” Suddenly, his confession made her lock eyes with him – fear, tiredness and a small glimpse of hope crossing her face.

Ellie gulped, took a deep breath and said lowly, as if in defeat, “I have nightmares. Since the accident…since you almost died…I have reoccurring nightmares. Not every night – and mostly when I’m alone – but very often.”

_So I'm gonna love you, like I'm gonna lose you_ _(Lose you)  
I'm gonna hold you (Hey), like I'm saying goodbye  
Wherever we're standing (Yeah), I won't take you for granted  
'Cause we'll never know when  
When we'll run out of time  
So I'm gonna love you (I'm gonna love you), like I'm gonna lose you (Like I'm gonna lose you)  
I'm gonna love you (Love you), like I'm gonna lose you  
Hey_

A tear escaped her eyelids as she tried to get the next words out. “Sometimes, it’s merely a memory of the hit-and-run. Images of you pushing me out of the way and taking the full hit – laying on the ground, unconscious. But then, the dreams started to change. Suddenly we were just walking down a quiet street at night when a car came rushing towards us – both of us injured pretty badly, or dead. At least that’s what I’m assuming because I usually wake up before I can get to you…”

Nick glared at her in horror as the weight of her words reached him, threatening to crush his heart. The heart that was solely beating for her. He reached across the table for her hands, interlacing their fingers. “I am so sorry. I didn’t know…”

“How could you have known? It’s not like I told anyone, Nick. It’s not a big deal. Really. I just think if I would actually have been the one to kill Xavier…and not…Maybe I wouldn’t have these nightmares.” Ellie said gravely, regret and self-berating evident in her voice.

“Don’t say that, Ellie. It is a big deal. And you are not a killer either. You wouldn’t want to carry such a burden.” Nick reasoned with her. He didn’t believe that she could actually murder someone in cold blood. Not his Ellie…

Ellie laughed bleakly. “Believe me, I’m capable of murder. I never thought I was back at the NSA. But NCIS changed me. Losing people I love, changed me. Qasim – I practically killed the man responsible for his death. I may not have pulled the trigger but I didn’t give Chen any other choice than to blow himself up. So yeah, I would’ve killed Xavier for almost killing you. In a heartbeat. I should have – maybe I’d feel better now.”

“You wouldn’t. I’m not worth you risking your job, your life. I’m not worth it, Ellie.” Nick whispered pleasingly. He didn’t want her to feel like this – to look so _broken_. Just because she couldn’t beat Gibbs in killing Xavier first. They didn’t have proof Gibbs had done it – but Tim, Nick and Ellie, even Jack, were pretty sure about it.

_I'm gonna love you (Oh)  
Like I'm gonna lose you (Like I'm gonna lose you)  
I'm gonna hold you, like I'm saying goodbye  
Wherever we're standing, I won't take you for granted  
'Cause we'll never know when  
When we'll run out of time  
So I'm gonna love you (I'm gonna love you, baby)  
Like I'm gonna lose you (Like I'm gonna lose you)  
I'm gonna love you (Oh), like I'm gonna lose you_

“If someone is worth risking my job, my reputation – my own life – for, it’s you.” Ellie said bluntly. What was the point in denying it now anyway? “It’s always been you. Ever since the moment we met in the alley and I held a gun to your head, it’s been you, Nick. And that day in the hospital, I could’ve lost you. It’s my fault because I took you for granted. You were always there, you never left my side. And I didn’t want to believe that I could ever lose you. But then – I realised that I was actually close to losing you in the blink of an eye.”

Listening to these words he’d wanted, hoped to hear for months, Nick found himself with tears running freely down his face.  
As if in a rush not to waste anymore time, he stood up – almost knocking his chair over – walked around the table and pulled Ellie up.

In all sincerity and with as much adoration as humanly possible, he said, “I love you, Eleanor Raye Bishop. I’ve loved you the second I saw you. And I won’t ever stop. I could’ve lost you, too, that day – but I would’ve gladly given my life if it meant saving yours. I want to love you with no regret. Whatever happens next – I want you to know that I will always love you like I’m gonna lose you. Every single day until my dying breath, I will show you how much you mean to me.”

With teary eyes and sobbing, Ellie attempted a fainthearted smile. “I won’t ever take you for granted. I made that mistake once; I will never do it again. From now on, I will hold you like I’m saying goodbye. I know now that we’re not promised tomorrow – there can never be a guarantee. But I know that I love you with every fibre of my being. Every day with you is precious.”

Nick smiled fondly at Ellie, pulling her flush against his chest, his hands on her hips. “Let’s make the most of our time then,” he murmured into her ear before he took Ellie’s cheeks between his fingers and leaned forward to press a tender kiss on her lips.

_So I'm gonna love you, like I'm gonna lose you_ _(Lose you)  
I'm gonna hold you (Hey), like I'm saying goodbye_


End file.
